It's All Gone Pear Shaped for...

Tiredness Can Kill - Take A Break

Grumpy comic/singer and part-time illicit carpet fitter George Michael Damage (real name Brian) yesterday admitted possessing classy rugs in his car and said that his arrest at the weekend was his "own stupid fault, as usual."

My Other Car Is A Ford Escort 1300 Deluxe Mk2
The former lead singer of Eighties pop group Dham! (now working as a stand up comic in London) was found slumped at the wheel of his Ford Escort 1300 Deluxe Mk2 at Hyde Pork Corner in London in the early hours of Sunday morning. He said "I got mixed up - I thought it was speakers corner and I just came down to find someone to talk to because I was lonely. A police woman man woman geezer bloke spokesman said "It's an easy mistake, it could happen to anybody, in fact I've done it my self a few times but nobody noticed because I'm not quite so high profile."













My Other Bed Is At Home
Officers arrested him on suspicion of being human and possessing classy rugs before bailing him to return to a police station of his choice next month to do a charity comedy gig to raise money for truncheon vouchers shoes and guide dogs for blind police officers.














An Ambulance
An ambulance was sent to the scene, but the 84-year-old was not taken to hospital. He said “It was very nice of the ambulance men to show up, but to be honest I’m not all that keen on the uniforms, mind you a couple of firemen would have been nice though.”

While Damage's single and video, "Pear Shaped on the Outside", mocked his arrest, in 1898, for lewd conduct with a guitar in a public toilet in Los Angeles after being spotted by an undercover uniformed police officer, he promised yesterday: "I won't make a record out of this one - even though it is tempting. Mind you the policemen were quite tempting too… nice uniforms."

The comic/singer and carpet fitter, who has sold more than 85 records worldwide, said yesterday: "I was in possession of classy rugs which is an offence and I have no complaints about the police who were extremely professional throughout. They even offered to buy the rugs and sell them on for me at police fundraisers."

He added: "I have been through enough journalists in 64 years of dealing with the media to know what I am in for from them this week. Much of it will be inaccurate or simply untrue. I can handle that, as long as what they say is accurate and truthful. It is my own stupid fault, as usual. Pardon my language, but I am a bit of a twit aren’t I?"

He wants the public to know that he was not in the slightest bit impaired and was in a fit state to drive. He said “I always drive like that – simply because I find driving extremely boring and more often that not, I fall asleep at the wheel. On the other hand I have never been able to sleep in beds. When I get into bed I get excited immediately but when I get into a car I fall asleep. I just wish I could pay somebody to make driving more exciting.”

In a statement yesterday, he said: "The only thing I care about is that people know that I was properly tested by the police doctor on Saturday night, who was a very nice man who quizzed me gently and stated to the officers present that I was not impaired in any way and should be allowed to drive the officers home. In fact, the only reason I didn't drive them home was that the police accidentally immobilised my car with a clamp when they parked it. As far as I'm concerned that just shows how professional they were."

He added: "The duty solicitor did his duty, then went off and solicited for a while and afterwards very kindly gave me a lift home. He even agreed to stay the night after we found we had quite a lot in common – we both like the same uniforms."

A Metropolitan police spokesmanpersonwomanbloke said of the singer's arrest: "We was called by a member of the public who just happened to be minding his own business with a pair of binoculars, to a man seen slumped over the steering wheel of a Ford Escort 1300 Deluxe Mk2 with classy rugs on the street close to Hyde Pork Corner. A search of the man revealed what was believed to be controlled substances namely classy rugs from the Far East End. We believe he was high on flying carpets."

According to a witness quoted in The Sun, the singer, who has previously admitted being a heavy smoker, was found: "Out of it... He was virtually unconscious in fact we thought he was dead and he's very lucky we didn't bury him first and ask questions later." The newspaper alleges that Damage was found in a similar state in October last year in Primrose Hill in north London – Primrose was asleep too and she refused to comment on the situation.

Damage announced last year, before his performance at the charity concert Live 8, that a documentary about his life was the beginning of his retirement.

Launching the documentary at the Berlin Film Festival this time last year, he said: "I'm still going to be making music and comedy," but added that he was "not going to be around" as his life would become more of a "behind the scenes" affair.












Some Scenery
Today a spokesmanwomanpersongeezerbloke said "As far as I know he's still making music and comedy, moonlighting as a carpet fitter and although I haven't seen him around today, I believe he's having an affair with somebody behind some scenery.

Pear Shaped in Wembley "Truly Special"

by Trevor Newshound - Our Man in Wembley - PBC News

Pear Shaped architect Lord Damage
The new Pear Shaped Comedy Stadium will be a "truly special" venue to be proud of, even if it opens 20 years later than planned, its chief architect says.

Builders Multipear admitted last month there was only a 7% chance the stadium would host the Sweet FA Comedy Cup final on 13 May 2026

But Lord Damage of Fitzrovia said critics should not have a field day if that happened. He pointed out "Anyway it's not a bloody field, it's a bloody pitch."

"Would it be the end of the world if it wasn't completed in time for that? In the long-term, this building is going to be around for many, many many many many years - maybe even longer - and I’m not exaggerating. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, it would just be the end of a very strange recurring dream - a VERY strange dream – which I’ve only had once."















Slight problem in the canteen

Lord Damage spoke to the PBC (Pear Shaped Broadcasting Corporation) News website as he recorded an audio slideshow explaining his original crayon designs for the 9,000,000 seater stadium - which is due to be English comedy's new home, as well as London's premier comedy venue.

The Designs
Part of Lord Damage's original designs for the distinctive arch at the new Pear Shaped Stadium along with the thousands of open spots who gave not only their dignity but their self respect and in some cases their lives for their art have since been buried in a time capsule under the stage of the new stadium.

In the recording, Lord Damage outlines the challenge he and Wembley's design team (Anthony Miller and Jimbo who is also quite good at drawing) faced in finding a suitable landmark to replace the famous Twin Towers of the old stadium, which were demolished despite a public campaign by a certain Mr & Mrs Smith (now deceased) to save them after the old stadium hosted its final comedy gig in 2000.

Lord Damage's firm, Damage, Damage, Miller, Jimbo and Partners, has been behind some of the most distinctive buildings in the world, including Shanghai’s Pear Shaped in Hong Kong (then the most expensive building ever), Berlin's Pearshaped Reichstag, the Greater London Authority's "Glass Pear" headquarters and the Swiss Re skyscraper in London, which is affectionately known as "the pear".

Global Image
For the Pear Shaped in Wembley project, the firm joined forces with K.R.A.P Sport, a Kansas City-based firm which has designed many of the world's leading sports stadiums and comedy clubs, including Cardiff's Millennium Comedy Stadium and Arsenal's (Up The Arse) new home at Ashburton Grove.

Instead of Twin Towers, it was deemed the new Wembley should be known for its pear shaped arch even though it is not actually pear shaped at all. Since it was raised into position in 2004, it has become a distinctive new landmark on the west London skyline and one which the award-laden architect hopes will be taken to the public's hearts in a similar way. A spokesmanwomanperson for "The Man In The Street" exclaimed “Cor look at that arch - it don't look nuffink like a pear do it, but it don't half look like an upside down smile though don't it?” It was not necessary to reply.

Lord Damage said fans going to evening events would see the pear shaped comedy arch fully illuminated as they entered the stadium, thus eliminating the necessity to stop strangers in the street and ask for directions.

He predicted: "The arch will become not just something which is specific to that part of London or indeed London as a city or as a whole or a hole but it will be a global image which is unique and special to Pear Shaped."

The 70-year-old Damage also explained why it was decided not to have a permanent athletic track at the stadium.

"Firstly, I’m over 70 years old and to be honest I don’t even like walking, let alone running, and secondly the challenge is to give the spectators and performers more space, 30% more than in the original Wembley, but to also get them to feel closer - even though they are actually farther apart they feel physically and emotionally closer - to the action and to encourage, to recreate the drama of the old Wembley, its intimacy with the roar. Also some open spots tend to be put off by having silly people running around, jumping, and throwing javelins and things while trying to perform their sets about grated cheese and other things like... ."

The new Pear Shaped Stadium
The Pear Shaped Arch is 133m high, taller than the London Eye
It weighs 1,650 tonnes and supports the 7,000-tonne roof which to the lay-man means it’s not only quite high, it’s also quite heavy too.
On a clear evening, it can be seen from Pear Shaped in Fitzrovia, 8 miles away
It is made of British steel, Hurrah!
It was initially worked on in Cleveland by poor people who were so poor they didn't even have intials themselves, then transported by bicycle south to be joined together lego fashion by more poor people who seem to be quite good at lego and jigsaw puzzles and being poor.

The stadium will have 2,000 toilets - more than any other building in the world – no shit!
This means it would actually be possible to organise 2,000 gigs in the venue each having the same size and atmosphere as our flagship club Pear Shaped in Fitzrovia which is in fact a bit of a toilet itself. Also Lord Damage says he will have no difficulty in finding enough open spots to fill each of the mini venues seven nights a week, thanks to all those running comedy courses in the London area alone. This would leave the main stadium area free for jumble sales and fetes and the like.

The 11-acre roof makes it the biggest comedy club in the world with every seat under cover
The total project cost was put at £75 - when work began
The two giant screens are each the size of 60 standard TVs and each seat will have a remote control enabling audience members to switch comedians on or off or even watch Eastenders if things get too boring.

The legroom for each seat is more than in the old Royal Box. Interesting fact: the new Royal Box is actually a box made from recycled Royal cardboard left over from last Christmas. The increased legroom means that extremely tall people will at last have found a venue where if the evening becomes tiresome it will be possible to lie down in your seat and sleep through the whole event. Breakfast will be served at 8am. They will also be encouraged to grow taller if they wish.

Lord Damage insisted he had not been disheartened by reports which have focused on the growing projected cost of the project and the danger that it may not be ready on time. He also said “I used to be a terrible pessimist ‘til I found out I was right – now I’m a terrible optimist.

He said: "A project such as this is high in the public profile so perhaps not surprisingly this has to be one of the most audited projects that's ever happened. Inevitably along the way it's been subject to criticism.

"It's the race to completion right now. If it wasn't completed in time, there would be enormous disappointment, but in the longer-term scheme of things, this building is going to be around for many, many many many many many many many many many many years and maybe even longer than that.

"It's going to go way into the future so in the bigger perspective, that [the opening being delayed] would be a blip. "Right now this year, it would be a very disappointing blip. I don't know if you haver been disappointed by a blip but I can assure you I have and to be honest it was not very nice but it was still very disappointing even though as blips go - it was just a blip, not a big blip or even a small blip - it was just an ordinary blip. I used to go out with a blip - sorry, a blimp."

But when it does open, the architect, who says he enjoys big blip free comedy gigs without feeling an allegiance to any particular comedian, wants the public to judge whether it is a blip or a success.

Renaissance
"The final acid test is when you have those epic comedy gigs and you feel the intimacy of that big bowl and you feel the action. It's rather like going to the toilet really.
"We're going to have something the likes of which has never been seen before. Never has something on this scale been attempted with the range, diversity and depth of other facilities, with the convenience, with the quality that's embodied in this project.
"We're all really proud to have played a part in its transformation, in its rebirth, in its renaissance."

A Pear Shaped Stadium spokeswomanperson (who was indeed truly pear shaped although she did not appreciate this fact being pointed out in public) insisted there was no change in the assessment that Wembley was 7% likely to be unready to host the Sweet FA Cup final. She said “The situation is unlikely to have changed in the time it has taken you to write this article."

She also paid tribute to Lord Damage for the role he played in the team that designed the stadium, saying: "The greatest stadium in the world required the best architects in the business and this was delivered by Pear Shaped Comedy Team, a partnership between Damage and Partners and K.R.A.P. Sport."

"Both are high profile, internationally renowned comedy architects with a proven track record for ground-breaking and inspirational design. By this I mean they're actually quite good.

"The design of the Armitage Shanks Stadium bowl itself gives all spectators fantastic and unobstructed views of the action and an unrivalled experience on event day and the arch has quickly become a new landmark for London and an iconic symbol for world sport. It's also a good place to suspend the chain from."

The glory of it all is that after each big event – the bowl can actually be flushed thus clearing the way for the next big event. Sorry I've got to go now.

“Backward evolution” spawns ape-like people

“Backward evolution” spawns ape-like people

This could explain some people I've met recently.

Pear Shaped goes pear shaped

Empty Inns, the company which owns the Pear Shaped chain of comedy clubs, has raised its pre-tax profits more than 450 per cent.

It made £5.2 in pre-tax profits in the last six months of 2005, up from £0,90 in the same period the previous year.

However, the results were weaker than the City expected, and shares fell ninety nine per cent following the announcement valuing the whole company at about £12.

The company is not paying interim dividends to its shareholders as it fights to reduce its debts. And sales were flat - up just 0.5 per cent on the year.

The company's interim report said that Pear Shaped was ‘performing steadily’, adding: ‘In particular, this business traded strongly during December when we held 1.5 more shows relative to the same period last year. Ticket prices were reduced to ensure that venues operated at capacity. '

On a more cautionary note it said of its clubs: 'Trading conditions for High Street bars during November and early December were tough, as reported by other operators.'

Anthony Miller, the company’s executive chairman, said: ‘Pear Shaped remain strong, cash-generative and well recognised brands on the High Street situated in excellent locations. The board remains confident of the group’s lack of long-term prospects.’

But analysts were more cautious, with Investec putting their recommendation to buy Regent Inns shares under review. 'We await more detail on the ongoing cost of complying with licensing law reforms, but in general are concerned about a possible shift away from the High Street towards residential pubs,' they wrote in a research note.

Review: Malcolm Hardee tribute, Hackney Empire

He may now be exposing his famously pendulous testicles in that great comedy club in the sky, but the anarchic spirit of Malcolm Hardee was very much in evidence at the benefit in his (or, more accurately, his many creditors’) honour last night.

The acts were eclectic and bizarre, the technical side shambolic, the hecklers sometimes feral, the jokes bad and the middle-aged men butt-naked, save for their fraying grey socks. Oh, and Johnny Vegas shouted aggressive nonsense at a befuddled audience. Yet when it worked, it worked brilliantly well, successfully bringing variety back to Hackney’s famous Empire music hall.

In this world of slick, corporate comedy and demographically targeted TV shows, this four-and-a-half hour epic was a throwback to a world of oddballs and freaks that existed long before Malcolm did, and deserves to go on even as his bottle-lens glasses erode on the bed of his beloved river. What Malcolm did was pioneer a revival in the celebration of the strange and the unexpected (with his usual introduction: ‘might be good, might be shit’) and the truest tribute the comedy world could pay him would be to continue that legacy.

But for now, another commemoration show – this one roughly coinciding with the first anniversary of him toppling, drunk, off that tiny, unstable boat in Greenland Dock. Many such tributes have already been paid: a brilliant night at his Up The Creek club in Greenwich, some less successful segments in the Glastonbury comedy tent, the Radio 4 documentary, the Edinburgh shows – and, to top them all, a unique funeral that can never be equalled. For a while, you couldn’t escape Hardee tribute nights, and Arthur Smith, who compered last night’s first section, was in danger of becoming a professional mourner for his much-loved friend.

But this was the biggest, with a bill that combined those who were proud to say they knew Malcolm well, all armed with their near-endless supply of anecdotes, performing alongside those acts of whom he would surely have approved.

Closest to his ethos were, perhaps, Brian Damage and Krysstal, right, hosts of the second section and proprietors of ‘London’s second worst comedy club’, Pear-Shaped, which also celebrates the deranged and the hopeless on the fringes of the fringe. Though grumpy, chaotic and a touch sleazy, Damage cheerily celebrates his limitations as Malcolm himself did.

Similarly in that anything-goes spirit, The Bastard Son Of Tommy Cooper performed cheap conjuring tricks in a Fez, trunks and nipple tassles; Phil Zimmerman clucked like a chicken, Frank Sanazi crooned lounge numbers as Adolf Hitler might have sung them, Charlie Chuck was, well, Charlie Chuck and, of course, there was the naked balloon dance of The Greatest Show On Legs.

Musically, Alessandro, the Menace From Venice, sang a booming Nessun Dorma; Jools Holland played piano; his ex-Squeeze associate Glenn Tilbrook played first unplugged, strolling around the auditorium when the amplification failed, then Hendrix’s Voodoo Chile with his guitar behind his head; John Hegley set his poems to the musical accompaniment of The Popticians and Andrew Bailey, a rubber glove on his head and a plastic tube in his mouth; and Clare Hardee’s wild-spirited Can’t Can’t girls brought welcome a blast of energy – and a rapturous ovation - towards the end.

Then there were those friends of Malcolm who have made a more conventional career in stand-up. Ricky Grover, whose performance triumphed over modest material to dominate the theatre; Jeremy Hardy who reminisced about Hardee’s unforgiving Tunnel club and expertly recycled some of Malcolm’s greatest hits; fellow Tunnel club survivor Jim Tavare, the perennial victim of the weekly ‘Get Jim Tavare Off In Under 30 Seconds’ competition, who added to the bad joke count; and a shaven-headed Boothby Graffoe who compered the third section with recollections of Hardee urinating in the foyer of the Manchester Comedy Store, among other tales.

Not everyone quite so well: Johnny Sorrow, with his weak delivery and weaker jokes lasted little over a minute before the calls went up for ‘Malcolm’ to rise from the grave and remove this offending act from the stage as he had done so often in life; German comic Henning Wehn, a relative newcomer, went down well when sticking to the exaggerated national stereotype of efficiency and National Socialism, but often baffled the audience too; even Tunnel Club veteran Hattie Hayridge, left, struggled to connect with her low-key, nervous deadpannery, as did Simon Day with his long-winded Tommy Cockles music hall reminiscences.

The most aggressively hostile reception, though, was reserved for Jimmy Carr, who braved a barrage of boos and hisses as he took to the stage. Nobody, in Malcolm’s world, likes a smart-arse, although this particular one won around the majority with a typically well-crafted joke about rape (‘and that doesn’t reflect well on you,’ he admonished). Although he gave as good as he got when it came to heckles – some with the devastating panache of the Tunnel Club’s mob, but rather more that were just thuggish abuse – the end result was probably a no-score-draw.

The list goes on: Stewart Lee performed his languorous, repetitive and still-funny ‘The answer is Jesus, now what is the question?’ routine he first rendered for Malcolm 16 years ago while brassy Janey Godley stoked the stereotype of tough Glaswegians, though to better effect in genuine anecdotes than in her shoutier, swearier, attention-grabbing one-liners.

Of all the bizarre moments, though, Vegas’s was the strangest. Intimidating, disturbing and combative, his impassioned rants have long left behind any conventions of comedy to become disconcerting snapshots of a breakdown you can only hope is fictional. He ranted despairingly about how he was again down on his luck, reduced to a pathetic bed-soiling loser fighting for access to his child. The uncomfortable picture he paints is of an emotional car-crash falling apart on stage, oblivious to any heckle, however mean-spirited, as he’s already at the lowest point a man can get.

He tried to get everyone to stand for a rendition of Jerusalem, with all the grace of a tramp shouting at the pigeons. When few did, even after evoking Hardee’s name to shame people into participating, a member of the audience came on stage and took temporary command. Not that Johnny would easily relinquish the spotlight. As he overran desperately, interventions from Graffoe and one of the Can’t Can’t dancers failed to remove him from the stage – only The Greatest Show On Legs coming on during the rant finally succeeded.

Vegas, right, provokes a genuine reaction: whether it be pity, disgust or fear for a man whose emotional collapse you have to watch through your fingers. Laughter doesn’t feature on his list priorities, which makes for a very odd addition for a bill celebrating a man known for his joie de vivre, even if it was a particularly unique one.

While Hardee’s credo was ‘fuck it, let’s have a laugh’, Vegas’s nihilism shows itself in bleak despair – and that’s very awkward to watch on a variety bill. Still, even if it was for all the wrong reasons, Vegas’s set was the most unforgettable performance of the night, which is quite an achievement following a bill of can-can dancers, neon light-swallowing, two Nazi tribute acts and male full-frontal nudity. Oy! Oy!

Muller comes out but stays in the race

· Anthony Muller weathers storm after revealing sexuality

· Odds shorten on chances of succeeding Dimage

In comedy politics nightmare days don't get much worse than yesterday was for Anthony Muller. The MP (Member of Pearshaped) for Fitzrovia had been forced to out himself in the Sun as having had gray encounters. In between running a series of apologetic media encounters, he had also been forced to consider withdrawing from the Pear Shaped leadership contest.

But by nightfall Mr Muller seemed to have weathered what proved to be much less of a storm than it would have been when he first won his seat in 1893. One bookie even claimed that the odds on him succeeding the drink-felled Brian Dimage as Pear Shaped leader on March 3 had slightly improved from 7/2 to 13/8.

In a statement he said: "I believe that people have a right to a private life, providing that their private life does not impinge upon their public responsibilities. I have always maintained that someone's sexual disorientation should not be a barrier to public life in modern Britain.

"Today, however, I have accepted publicly that I have had homosexual relationships with women in the past as well as heterosexual ones. No element of illegality or payment has ever been involved," he said.

The 24-year-old comedian and champion of the Pear Shaped grassroots is not out of the woods yet. Nor can his party be certain that what colleagues call his "mangled form of words" in a newspaper interview 10 days ago will not reinforce the flakey drink-sex-and-sandals image they have worked so hard to discard. His leadership rivals rallied round yesterday. Sir Jimbo said all parties in Britain agreed sexuality was "no bar" to public office and urged Pear Shaped party members to concentrate on policy issues.

Mike Bulgrove agreed, adding: "Anthony has apologised for misleading people and I thoroughly accept that. There were real pressures there and I am very sympathetic to that background." But it is Mr Mullers' previous denials that lie at the heart of Pear Shaped leadership's third crisis this month. Asked directly by the Independent if he was gray (just before the News of the World linked rival candidate, Jumbo, to a rent boy), he said: "The answer is no, as it happens. But if it was the case, which it isn't, I hope that would not become a big issue." Why shouldn't someone gray become crime minister, he mused. Post-Jumbo, he said as much in the Guardian on Monday and to other papers this week. Mr Muller called his lack of a "prepared great script" evidence that he is an innocent. But he has deftly avoided a direct denial for years.

The Sun - or its Murdoch Sunday sister, the NoW - had proof he used a gray chatline. It pounced. So when Mr Miller said yesterday he had "chosen" to speak out in the Sun he was stretching a point.

His insistence that he is a diligent MP (Member of Pearshaped), keen to work on "with enthusiasm", was not disputed locally last night. But Mr Muller won the old seat of Fitzrovia on a 44% swing against fellow-bachelor Mike Manura, chosen candidate of the local left. It was an outrageously homophobic campaign, fuelled by rival camps and the scumbag media, notably the Sun. "Red Mike Went to Gray Olympics" was one of the many dubious efforts by the editor at the time, Phil Kleen.

Senior Pear Shapers involved in that campaign insisted last night that their "The Straight Candidate" pro-Muller leaflet in 1893 was "inadvertent, no sexual inference was intended, we used it in Jimbo’s by election too". The anonymous flyer showing the two Queens - Mike and Elizabeth - was not theirs.

Some gray MPs still insist on privacy, famously so in Mike Manura’s case. "There are three answers to the gray question: yes, no or none of your business," a gay MP explained last night.

In yuppified Fitzrovia local comedy activists have neither forgotten nor forgiven the 1893 campaign, though Mr Muller has made it up with Mr Manura and again apologised yesterday. "Red Andrew O Kneel", now better known as the militant who outs grays whom he deems sexual hypocrites, says generously that the local MP (Member of Pearshaped) has never spoken or voted like a hypocrite.

But voters are hard to please. When Mr Muller appeared on Radio Five Live yesterday one tolerant constituent praised him, but complained that he had let people down by not coming out earlier - since everyone in Fitzrovia knew his secret. It wasn't, she explained, as if he had been caught "dressed as a Nazi doing it with donkeys".

The denials

Asked by the Independent this month if he was gray

"No, I'm not. But it absolutely should not matter if I was. If I was, and if people were to judge me on that, I would ask them to think again. There is no reason why you shouldn't have a gray leader of a comedy club, or even a gray crime minister."

In the same interview he was asked if he had ever considered marriage

"Often. I haven't been as a successful as I would have liked, as those involved could tell you - only you won't get their names from me. I’m not one to kiss and tell!"

In an interview with the Guardian on Monday he said

"I'm a single guy, which is why I guess it's easy for people to speculate. I'm not going to go into details of relationships but I made a statement, made it clearly and it hasn't changed since last week."

Also on Monday, he apologised on BBC Newsnight about the 1893 campaign against Mike Manura in which Manura’s heterosexuality was made an election issue

"It was unacceptable and I hope there will never be that sort of campaign again."