It's All Gone Pear Shaped for...

Tiredness Can Kill - Take A Break

Grumpy comic/singer and part-time illicit carpet fitter George Michael Damage (real name Brian) yesterday admitted possessing classy rugs in his car and said that his arrest at the weekend was his "own stupid fault, as usual."

My Other Car Is A Ford Escort 1300 Deluxe Mk2
The former lead singer of Eighties pop group Dham! (now working as a stand up comic in London) was found slumped at the wheel of his Ford Escort 1300 Deluxe Mk2 at Hyde Pork Corner in London in the early hours of Sunday morning. He said "I got mixed up - I thought it was speakers corner and I just came down to find someone to talk to because I was lonely. A police woman man woman geezer bloke spokesman said "It's an easy mistake, it could happen to anybody, in fact I've done it my self a few times but nobody noticed because I'm not quite so high profile."













My Other Bed Is At Home
Officers arrested him on suspicion of being human and possessing classy rugs before bailing him to return to a police station of his choice next month to do a charity comedy gig to raise money for truncheon vouchers shoes and guide dogs for blind police officers.














An Ambulance
An ambulance was sent to the scene, but the 84-year-old was not taken to hospital. He said “It was very nice of the ambulance men to show up, but to be honest I’m not all that keen on the uniforms, mind you a couple of firemen would have been nice though.”

While Damage's single and video, "Pear Shaped on the Outside", mocked his arrest, in 1898, for lewd conduct with a guitar in a public toilet in Los Angeles after being spotted by an undercover uniformed police officer, he promised yesterday: "I won't make a record out of this one - even though it is tempting. Mind you the policemen were quite tempting too… nice uniforms."

The comic/singer and carpet fitter, who has sold more than 85 records worldwide, said yesterday: "I was in possession of classy rugs which is an offence and I have no complaints about the police who were extremely professional throughout. They even offered to buy the rugs and sell them on for me at police fundraisers."

He added: "I have been through enough journalists in 64 years of dealing with the media to know what I am in for from them this week. Much of it will be inaccurate or simply untrue. I can handle that, as long as what they say is accurate and truthful. It is my own stupid fault, as usual. Pardon my language, but I am a bit of a twit aren’t I?"

He wants the public to know that he was not in the slightest bit impaired and was in a fit state to drive. He said “I always drive like that – simply because I find driving extremely boring and more often that not, I fall asleep at the wheel. On the other hand I have never been able to sleep in beds. When I get into bed I get excited immediately but when I get into a car I fall asleep. I just wish I could pay somebody to make driving more exciting.”

In a statement yesterday, he said: "The only thing I care about is that people know that I was properly tested by the police doctor on Saturday night, who was a very nice man who quizzed me gently and stated to the officers present that I was not impaired in any way and should be allowed to drive the officers home. In fact, the only reason I didn't drive them home was that the police accidentally immobilised my car with a clamp when they parked it. As far as I'm concerned that just shows how professional they were."

He added: "The duty solicitor did his duty, then went off and solicited for a while and afterwards very kindly gave me a lift home. He even agreed to stay the night after we found we had quite a lot in common – we both like the same uniforms."

A Metropolitan police spokesmanpersonwomanbloke said of the singer's arrest: "We was called by a member of the public who just happened to be minding his own business with a pair of binoculars, to a man seen slumped over the steering wheel of a Ford Escort 1300 Deluxe Mk2 with classy rugs on the street close to Hyde Pork Corner. A search of the man revealed what was believed to be controlled substances namely classy rugs from the Far East End. We believe he was high on flying carpets."

According to a witness quoted in The Sun, the singer, who has previously admitted being a heavy smoker, was found: "Out of it... He was virtually unconscious in fact we thought he was dead and he's very lucky we didn't bury him first and ask questions later." The newspaper alleges that Damage was found in a similar state in October last year in Primrose Hill in north London – Primrose was asleep too and she refused to comment on the situation.

Damage announced last year, before his performance at the charity concert Live 8, that a documentary about his life was the beginning of his retirement.

Launching the documentary at the Berlin Film Festival this time last year, he said: "I'm still going to be making music and comedy," but added that he was "not going to be around" as his life would become more of a "behind the scenes" affair.












Some Scenery
Today a spokesmanwomanpersongeezerbloke said "As far as I know he's still making music and comedy, moonlighting as a carpet fitter and although I haven't seen him around today, I believe he's having an affair with somebody behind some scenery.