by Trevor Newshound - Our Man in Wembley - PBC NewsPear Shaped architect Lord DamageThe new Pear Shaped Comedy Stadium will be a "truly special" venue to be proud of, even if it opens 20 years later than planned, its chief architect says.
Builders Multipear admitted last month there was only a 7% chance the stadium would host the Sweet FA Comedy Cup final on 13 May 2026
But Lord Damage of Fitzrovia said critics should not have a field day if that happened. He pointed out "Anyway it's not a bloody field, it's a bloody pitch."
"Would it be the end of the world if it wasn't completed in time for that? In the long-term, this building is going to be around for many, many many many many years - maybe even longer - and I’m not exaggerating. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, it would just be the end of a very strange recurring dream - a VERY strange dream – which I’ve only had once."
Slight problem in the canteen
Lord Damage spoke to the PBC (Pear Shaped Broadcasting Corporation) News website as he recorded an audio slideshow explaining his original crayon designs for the 9,000,000 seater stadium - which is due to be English comedy's new home, as well as London's premier comedy venue.
The DesignsPart of Lord Damage's original designs for the distinctive arch at the new Pear Shaped Stadium along with the thousands of open spots who gave not only their dignity but their self respect and in some cases their lives for their art have since been buried in a time capsule under the stage of the new stadium.
In the recording, Lord Damage outlines the challenge he and Wembley's design team (Anthony Miller and Jimbo who is also quite good at drawing) faced in finding a suitable landmark to replace the famous Twin Towers of the old stadium, which were demolished despite a public campaign by a certain Mr & Mrs Smith (now deceased) to save them after the old stadium hosted its final comedy gig in 2000.
Lord Damage's firm, Damage, Damage, Miller, Jimbo and Partners, has been behind some of the most distinctive buildings in the world, including Shanghai’s Pear Shaped in Hong Kong (then the most expensive building ever), Berlin's Pearshaped Reichstag, the Greater London Authority's "Glass Pear" headquarters and the Swiss Re skyscraper in London, which is affectionately known as "the pear".
Global ImageFor the Pear Shaped in Wembley project, the firm joined forces with K.R.A.P Sport, a Kansas City-based firm which has designed many of the world's leading sports stadiums and comedy clubs, including Cardiff's Millennium Comedy Stadium and Arsenal's (Up The Arse) new home at Ashburton Grove.
Instead of Twin Towers, it was deemed the new Wembley should be known for its pear shaped arch even though it is not actually pear shaped at all. Since it was raised into position in 2004, it has become a distinctive new landmark on the west London skyline and one which the award-laden architect hopes will be taken to the public's hearts in a similar way. A spokesmanwomanperson for "The Man In The Street" exclaimed “Cor look at that arch - it don't look nuffink like a pear do it, but it don't half look like an upside down smile though don't it?” It was not necessary to reply.
Lord Damage said fans going to evening events would see the pear shaped comedy arch fully illuminated as they entered the stadium, thus eliminating the necessity to stop strangers in the street and ask for directions.
He predicted: "The arch will become not just something which is specific to that part of London or indeed London as a city or as a whole or a hole but it will be a global image which is unique and special to Pear Shaped."
The 70-year-old Damage also explained why it was decided not to have a permanent athletic track at the stadium.
"Firstly, I’m over 70 years old and to be honest I don’t even like walking, let alone running, and secondly the challenge is to give the spectators and performers more space, 30% more than in the original Wembley, but to also get them to feel closer - even though they are actually farther apart they feel physically and emotionally closer - to the action and to encourage, to recreate the drama of the old Wembley, its intimacy with the roar. Also some open spots tend to be put off by having silly people running around, jumping, and throwing javelins and things while trying to perform their sets about grated cheese and other things like... ."
The new Pear Shaped StadiumThe Pear Shaped Arch is 133m high, taller than the London Eye
It weighs 1,650 tonnes and supports the 7,000-tonne roof which to the lay-man means it’s not only quite high, it’s also quite heavy too.
On a clear evening, it can be seen from Pear Shaped in Fitzrovia, 8 miles away
It is made of British steel, Hurrah!
It was initially worked on in Cleveland by poor people who were so poor they didn't even have intials themselves, then transported by bicycle south to be joined together lego fashion by more poor people who seem to be quite good at lego and jigsaw puzzles and being poor.
The stadium will have 2,000 toilets - more than any other building in the world – no shit!
This means it would actually be possible to organise 2,000 gigs in the venue each having the same size and atmosphere as our flagship club Pear Shaped in Fitzrovia which is in fact a bit of a toilet itself. Also Lord Damage says he will have no difficulty in finding enough open spots to fill each of the mini venues seven nights a week, thanks to all those running comedy courses in the London area alone. This would leave the main stadium area free for jumble sales and fetes and the like.
The 11-acre roof makes it the biggest comedy club in the world with every seat under cover
The total project cost was put at £75 - when work began
The two giant screens are each the size of 60 standard TVs and each seat will have a remote control enabling audience members to switch comedians on or off or even watch Eastenders if things get too boring.
The legroom for each seat is more than in the old Royal Box. Interesting fact: the new Royal Box is actually a box made from recycled Royal cardboard left over from last Christmas. The increased legroom means that extremely tall people will at last have found a venue where if the evening becomes tiresome it will be possible to lie down in your seat and sleep through the whole event. Breakfast will be served at 8am. They will also be encouraged to grow taller if they wish.
Lord Damage insisted he had not been disheartened by reports which have focused on the growing projected cost of the project and the danger that it may not be ready on time. He also said “I used to be a terrible pessimist ‘til I found out I was right – now I’m a terrible optimist.
He said: "A project such as this is high in the public profile so perhaps not surprisingly this has to be one of the most audited projects that's ever happened. Inevitably along the way it's been subject to criticism.
"It's the race to completion right now. If it wasn't completed in time, there would be enormous disappointment, but in the longer-term scheme of things, this building is going to be around for many, many many many many many many many many many many years and maybe even longer than that.
"It's going to go way into the future so in the bigger perspective, that [the opening being delayed] would be a blip. "Right now this year, it would be a very disappointing blip. I don't know if you haver been disappointed by a blip but I can assure you I have and to be honest it was not very nice but it was still very disappointing even though as blips go - it was just a blip, not a big blip or even a small blip - it was just an ordinary blip. I used to go out with a blip - sorry, a blimp."
But when it does open, the architect, who says he enjoys big blip free comedy gigs without feeling an allegiance to any particular comedian, wants the public to judge whether it is a blip or a success.
Renaissance"The final acid test is when you have those epic comedy gigs and you feel the intimacy of that big bowl and you feel the action. It's rather like going to the toilet really.
"We're going to have something the likes of which has never been seen before. Never has something on this scale been attempted with the range, diversity and depth of other facilities, with the convenience, with the quality that's embodied in this project.
"We're all really proud to have played a part in its transformation, in its rebirth, in its renaissance."
A Pear Shaped Stadium spokeswomanperson (who was indeed truly pear shaped although she did not appreciate this fact being pointed out in public) insisted there was no change in the assessment that Wembley was 7% likely to be unready to host the Sweet FA Cup final. She said “The situation is unlikely to have changed in the time it has taken you to write this article."
She also paid tribute to Lord Damage for the role he played in the team that designed the stadium, saying: "The greatest stadium in the world required the best architects in the business and this was delivered by Pear Shaped Comedy Team, a partnership between Damage and Partners and K.R.A.P. Sport."
"Both are high profile, internationally renowned comedy architects with a proven track record for ground-breaking and inspirational design. By this I mean they're actually quite good.
"The design of the Armitage Shanks Stadium bowl itself gives all spectators fantastic and unobstructed views of the action and an unrivalled experience on event day and the arch has quickly become a new landmark for London and an iconic symbol for world sport. It's also a good place to suspend the chain from."
The glory of it all is that after each big event – the bowl can actually be flushed thus clearing the way for the next big event. Sorry I've got to go now.
